Partnership Projects | About Non Violent Resistance (NVR)

You are here: Homepage » About Non Violent Resistance (NVR) » Info for Parents

NVR (Non Violent Resistance) is a new approach, developed by clinical psychologists specifically to target violent, destructive and controlling behaviour in children, adolescents and young adults.

This website gives you some basic information about NVR, and explains how it can help your family.

Information for Parents and Carers
Why is my son/my daughter aggressive? Why does he truant and abscond? Why does she hang out in bad company and take drugs? Why…

You may have been given a variety of different explanations for your child’s behaviour. Professionals in child health or child- and adolescent mental health services, education or social services may have spoken of ‘ADHD’, an ‘autistic spectrum disorder’, an ‘attachment disorder’, or you may have been told that your child has been traumatised. He or she may have been given a diagnosis of ‘conduct disorder’. Your child may have witnessed violence, and you or others may believe that they are modelling their behaviour upon this.

None of this alone explains why a young person acts in aggressive and unmanageable ways. What’s more, many young people become violent, without any of these ‘conditions’ ever being present. It may be tempting to believe that the aggression could be dealt with by tackling an ‘underlying problem’. However, clinical experience and research do not bear this out.

With very few exceptions, young people who act in defiant, aggressive or violent ways do this to control others around them. It is likely that your child falls into this category. We do know from research experience, that some factors need to be present for controlling behaviour to persist.


	Temperament There are constitutional differences between individuals. Many young people are not prone to becoming aggressive, no matter what the circumstances may be, while others will become aggressive very easily. Outside circumstances, or a certain developmental phase such as entering puberty, may then lead to a surge in aggression. The bad news is, we cannot change someone’s constitution. The good news is, a young person’s temperament alone does not maintain aggressive and violent behaviour. Even if your son or daughter has a temperament that makes them prone to outbursts of anger, this does not mean that he or she will necessarily remain aggressive, controlling and unmanageable. Lowered parental presence Parental presence does not mean being around the young person all the time. It means that your child is aware of you as a parent at home, in school, and when she or he is with their peers. It also means that you are aware of your child’s activities. If e.g. you do not know who your daughter’s friends are, and what they are up to, and she does not feel she needs to let you know when she will be home at night, your parental presence has been lowered. If you have no control over how loud your son plays his music in your house, you have lost some of the ‘territory’ of your own home. If your child ‘blanks you out’ whenever you try to speak to them, your presence is low. If you feel exhausted, low, or without support from other adults in dealing with your child, you have lost parental presence. An opportunity to practice control Sometimes, you are likely to make a stand and insist on controlling your uncontrollable child. After arguments, in the course of which your daughter or son breaks things, screams abuse at you, or even assaults you, you will feel helpless. At other times, you won’t even bother to insist on good behaviour, and just let her or him have their way for the sake of a little bit of peace in the family. The threat of aggression, violence or disruption to the family, or other threats such as the threat of suicide, will often make parents give in to their child’s demands. A child or young person will continue to ‘get better’ at controlling parents and siblings – and often teachers or other adults. He or she will find ever more effective ways at getting an edge over them. You as parent in turn have become accustomed to observing many ‘taboos’ without even being aware of it. Many parents say they ‘walk on eggshells’, except of course when they go into a confrontation – which doesn’t work either.

Much of this results from the violent behaviour itself. NVR works by removing the opportunity to practice control, and by raising parental presence.

I feel helpless, I’ve tried everything, I can’t take this any longer. Can’t someone just take him and treat him?
Parents almost inevitably feel helpless in this situation. Of course you would like a professional to ‘take over’, when you believe that all avenues have been exhausted. However, this wish puts you even more at your child’s mercy: trying to get her to come along to family therapy, to individual therapy, or to take his medication, may put you into yet another emotionally and physically exhausting, and often fruitless struggle. Or a young person may enjoy their individual therapy, and insist that their therapist maintains confidentiality, while the behaviour at home does not change. NVR does not require the aggressive young person to participate. As a matter of fact, it is much more productive to plan new steps against the controlling behaviour without being disrupted or wasting time trying to ‘get through’ to your son or daughter – you have already tried that countless times yourself.

You have probably made the same attempts to improve things over and over again. You will often find yourself in a situation that is utterly predictable – e.g. when you are trying to reason with your child, part of you already knows that this will merely lead to a heated argument, with smashed objects in the house, shouting, and maybe even physical violence. You have become locked in a pattern. Using NVR, you will carefully develop strategies to respond to the controlling behaviour, that at first may appear strange and counterintuitive, but that are very different from the reactions you have shown before.

This process will take much of your time. NVR is not an easy way out, and it requires intensive involvement by parents, in order to be effective. You may not feel up to it at this point, having been worn down by such a degree of trouble. Many parents report, that their confidence grows. As they begin to feel less helpless, parents –and other adults dealing with a difficult young person- find that their energy returns.

How long does NVR last? How involved do I need to be?
Resisting violent and controlling behaviour is a hard struggle. Each parent needs to invest up to about 15 hours per week in resisting their child’s violence. The entire intervention will last up to approx. 3 months. You will, at least initially, attend one therapy session per week, and you may make arrangements for 1-2 additional telephone support calls per week. The telephone support helps parents find encouragement when things are very difficult, get advice, and express their frustration – they are an aid to staying on track. In therapy sessions, you will discuss and plan each new step, reflect on the steps you have taken in the previous week, and have conversations about your feelings and thoughts. Therapy sessions are an opportunity to gain an understanding of your strengths and abilities in the process of resisting the violence. As you go along, you learn more and more about effective resistance to the violence, and you will be able to discuss what you have learned in therapy sessions. Most of your time in NVR however will be spent planning, preparing and carrying out concrete action against the violence in life outside the session.

Is the approach effective?
A recent outcome study has shown that NVR is very effective in improving the behaviour of a large percentage of young people. This study further demonstrates, that NVR reduces parents’ feelings of helplessness, raises their confidence, and can improve parental mental health. 90% of all families completed the programme.

Do I have to involve my other children in this?
Other children in the family are likely to have become victimised, and often parents do not know the full extent of what is going on. Siblings may believe that their parents are powerless, they may think their parents don’t care if they get hurt, they may not want to burden or upset their parents, or they may feel that what is happening to them is normal, because it has been going on for so long. Usually, other children are affected by the way ‘everything revolves around (the violent child)’. The NVR therapist may suggest speaking to a violent young person’s siblings, in order to help them understand what the parents are doing to resist the violence, and to find ways in which they can communicate with their parents about any abuse they may be experiencing. This is then their own form of resistance.

How does NVR work?
Resistance against the violence is developed step by step, building on what parents experience in the process, the support they are able to receive, and their growing confidence. NVR is not a talking therapy, and your son or daughter is not engaged in any conversations about what may be causing him or her to feel angry, or to lose control. The resistance uses action instead of talking. Talking is kept to a minimum, and consists mainly of brief announcements or declarations, which are used to communicate what kind of action parents are taking and why. Parents do not try to ‘get through’ to their child – this has been attempted without success many times before.

There are four areas in which parents - with support - become active:


	De-escalation Parents develop strategies to manage risk, without getting involved in fruitless power struggles. Breaking taboos After months or years of ‘walking on eggshells’ and feeling they have to give in to their child’s demands, if they wish to maintain peace in the family, parents learn to strategically break the rules their child has set up for the family. Taking non-violent action Consequences and punishment no longer work. Parents raise their presence by carefully planned, delayed action within the home, and in the outside environment. Reconciliation gestures Certain gestures show young people, that their families care about them. They help parents and children or young people relate to one another beyond the aggression.

Can this be done with other problems, as well?
There are a number of other difficulties, for which a modified form of NVR can be helpful – especially if your child is unwilling to cooperate in the therapy, and the family is controlled by the difficulties. This may be the case with some forms of anxiety, OCD, or a young person’s withdrawal from the outside world.

NVR therapy is also being used as support in resisting domestic violence.

Can NVR only be used within the family?
No, NVR has been helpful for looked after children, and for young people in residential care. Often, aggressive behaviour arises in school as well as at home, and NVR therapists can involve teachers in working together to overcome the behavioural difficulties.

Where is NVR therapy available?
NVR can be provided by family therapists, clinical psychologists and other mental health professionals who have been trained in the use of this approach. If you are interested in receiving NVR therapy, and cannot obtain it locally, please contact us.


	Homepage \| Latest Announcements \| What We Do \| Services \| Training & Clinical Supervision People \| About NVR \| About RBTT \| Become an Associate \| Contact \| Site Map
	Copyright © 2006 Partnership Projects (UK) Limited Website created by: Media Garden \| Kent Website Design