18 months ago my eldest daughter then 10 years old developed extreme anxiety which led to anger and controlling behaviour. Her anger and controlling behaviour developed rapidly and was directed mainly towards me, her younger sister, father and grandparents. After 12 months of this behaviour developing I had hit rock bottom, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. My daughter was physically abusive towards me and my immediate family, she was throwing anything she could reach, upturning furniture, slamming doors, screaming, throwing herself against walls, hitting herself and had smashed a window and several plant pots.
We couldn’t go out anywhere as my daughter would get too distressed when leaving the house and we couldn’t have people at the house because my daughter would get too distressed. I felt completely lost and didn’t know where to turn. I had tried everything and nothing was working. My family felt broken and I thought my relationship with my daughter couldn’t be repaired. Then 6 six months ago I was told to look into NVR and I found the PartnershipProjects UK and Rachael. I knew nothing about NVR or what it entailed.
I remember speaking to Rachael for the first time on the phone one afternoon and crying uncontrollably. Rachael explained the background of NVR and that if I agreed to take on NVR it would be hard work and very challenging. It would entail re-programming how I behaved and how I responded to my daughter and I had to embrace the techniques fully. At that point I was ready to try anything in order to get my daughter back and for my family to feel like a proper family again.
Since then the change in myself has been incredible and my daughter’s anger and controlling behaviour has reduced dramatically. Rachael explained to me and my parents how changing our behaviour, being non-violent, not shouting, initially not giving consequences for my daughter’s violent behaviour, peacefully increasing our presence and showing unconditional love would enable my daughter to have the time to self regulate when she became anxious and angry. In addition, when we gave our full support to her without judgement she wouldn’t feel the need to control every situation.
Now my family is starting to feel happier. I feel so much more confident in the way I respond and in my behaviour towards my two daughters. My eldest daughter is engaging more with myself, her grandparents and extended family. I am aware of when my daughter will escalate and I am mentally prepared and able to de-escalate the situation effectively. We are going out together as a family and we now have friends over for playdates and I can go out with friends in the evenings.
My daughter still gets angry and can be controlling, we do have setbacks but now I feel confident in myself and my ability to support her. The past six months have been frustrating, challenging and very hard work but it has definitely been worth it.
Finding PartnershipProjects, Rachael and engaging in NVR has been a lifesaver and I would hate to think what our lives would have been like if I hadn’t chosen the NVR path.
Mrs W, Hampshire