Incorporating NVR into my everyday life

I still feel as if I am at the start of my journey with incorporating NVR into my everyday life, but I am trying to remember the basics, the grounding, the choosing of my battles and only dealing with the small basket issues.
I am lucky that a good friend of mine has also recently gone through the training, so we are able to support each other and as a single parent, it is very useful to have someone else who understands the process.

It was also very useful to do this course as part of group. It really helps to know that you are not alone in going through and feeling what we go through as trauma impacted parents.
I would say that some in our group seem to have had quicker results than others, but I’m sure that with persistent resistance, life will improve for all of us. As with anything, we are not all going to have the same outcomes at the same time. It certainly feels like there is a little bit more light at the end of the tunnel.

I would recommend NVR, and that it is taught at the start of the adoption journey, rather than as an afterthought for those of us whose lives have already been so massively impacted. It is something that, as we were taught, in a group, then we have the support of the other attendees as well as other friends, family and others who can become supporters.

It’s helped restore some calm, connection, and hope back into our family

We had become insular from our wider family and friends, embarrassed of letting others know just how challenging we were finding parenting through our sons constant challenging behaviours both within and outside our home.

One practice that has helped us is the Announcement letter. This is calmly stating a couple of the significant behaviours that we won’t accept from our sons anymore. Letting our sons know without arguing or getting pulled into conflict that things will change, that we will stay calm, we will not shout but also we will not keep things secret and enrol the help of supporters were appropriate.

I am also finding the checklists really useful, it provides a reminder of the NVR tools and has helped me to identify my own areas in which I can improve or were I feel more vulnerable to escalation rather than managing de-escalation.

I would absolutely recommend NVR and Sarah and Tom as course facilitators. They are empathic and you feel they come with a lot of experience, both personally and through their work with other parents.
NVR isn’t a magic wand but it does provide common sense practical parenting tools that help restore your confidence as an adoptee parent and support you in feeling less alone. It’s helped restore some calm, connection, and hope back into our family.

My only wish for other adoptee parents through Kent Social Services is that NVR training in some format be provided to adoptee parents before it gets to a stage of last resort!

NVR has given us some really useful new tools

My NVR coaching was helpful and supportive, I can already see the impact it is having on my family and my own mindset shift. Before the course, my husband and I often felt overwhelmed, stuck in a cycle of conflict and alone with the constant behavioural challenges from our two teenage adopted sons. It often felt like we were constantly reacting and never taking time to review or address challenging behaviours in the home and our own self-care was almost non-existence, we felt exhausted and very alone!

Through the training, I’ve learned how to stay calmer and more present, even in really tough moments, although this is a learning curve! It’s reassured us as parents how to take a firmer, more respectful stance without shouting, bribing or losing control. We now feel more confident setting boundaries whilst still showing we love our boys and are still there for them even when things are difficult.

For me personally, one of the biggest changes has been feeling less alone, hearing almost identical patterns of behaviours from other families has added to our understanding and compassion to the difficulties our adopted children carry as they navigate their teenage years.

We still have challenges, but NVR has given us some really useful new tools and reaffirmed some of our parenting practices that we had already started to use.
Overall it has renewed our energy and hope that through these NVR practices we will pull through and reconnect as a family.

We would recommend NVR

NVR has help to reduce escalations overall. We are working to claw back fun family time. We have learnt when to slow down. We have learnt that the outcome is usually the same when we try to intervene, therefore we get less involved at the time and take time to consider a response.

Come open-minded. Try to give yourself time and space to ensure you can put things into practise straight away. The course builds up a number of foundations, gradually bringing results.

We would recommend NVR. Most of the things are logical / make sense when you step back and think about them, but the coaching makes you think about things differently in a supportive yet challenging, friendly group.

Helped us recognise that we are not alone

NVR is not a marathon nor is it a sprint. It is a lifelong change in parenting approach. It provides strategies and tools for the long term. Allowing ourselves to let some things go seemed alien at first, but we have seen a huge benefit. Knowing that engaging support is encouraged has helped us recognise that we are not alone.

Do not give up when you have a blip or progress seems slow.  In reflecting on when things have gone “back to type” we have seen where we have gone wrong, forgiven ourselves and re-set. We are still resisting the behaviour from a calm place.

We would definitely recommend NVR. It has had a positive effect on the number and type of “conflicts” within the home and elsewhere.  We are more tolerant and calmer and whilst we expect the Honeymoon period (if there is one) to end we think the techniques always serve.

Made an impact on our quality of life, as a family and as individuals

It has helped us to understand how our actions and words affect how our daughter reacts to things. If we step back, think about what she is experiencing, change how we respond to her, and move away from how we think we or she ought to behave, we can manage escalations more effectively. The delayed response technique is very helpful with this. We now appreciate that we need to look after ourselves and allow ourselves time to calm down, reset and recuperate. We should be less hard on ourselves and forgive ourselves if things don’t go well. It is ok to do this. It is acceptable to resist behaviours and give yourself a chance to be the kind of parent you want to be. It is also acceptable to ask others for help and not feel ashamed. We do not have to this on our own and this will help to give our daughter the same message that it is perfectly ok to ask for help when you need it.

It has certainly made an impact on our quality of life, as a family and as individuals. Although problems still arise they are fewer and do not escalate in the same way, if at all.  We have found ways to manage conflict; to prepare (anticipate) for it; and recover from it if necessary.  We are learning to work as a team and support each other with NVR techniques to help to manage escalations and reduce physical reactions from
our daughter. Our message of resistance and what is not acceptable is slowly getting through. We recognise that it will take time for us to master the techniques we have been taught but understand that baby steps are fine. We will continue to practise the techniques and will proceed with the announcement letter when we feel we are sufficiently consistent to follow our pledges. It is helpful to have this drawn up and
know what we are working towards.

It has made me feel stronger

I feel that NVR has helped me think about what my child needs in those moments of chaos. I think it has helped me learn to be more present as a parent and to remember how I want to be as a parent. It has made me feel stronger in my ability as a parent. In turn this has helped my son feel calmer and more connected and I am slowly seeing improvement in our relationship. I would recommend keeping an open mind and trusting the process. I would recommend NVR.

I would definitely recommend NVR to all other parents.

I feel that our home has gotten calmer since implementing many of the strategies learned through the coaching. The opportunity to pause and have a considered response to fraught situations has allowed for a more consistent and considered approach to parenting.

I would encourage others to be patient with themselves through the process of applying the learnings of this course, it is challenging and although mistakes are made along the way, it is worth sticking to the principles as they really do make a difference for ourselves and our children. I would definitely recommend NVR to all other parents.

We wish that we had been able to access NVR coaching much earlier

Nothing is an overnight fix, and NVR is no different in that, but it really is a different approach and one that we feel will be really helpful for our family. We wish that we had been able to access NVR coaching much earlier, so really encourage anyone who feels lost with their parenting, alone in their struggles, to get on board and try this ‘different’ way of doing things.

We are committed to trying to apply the NVR principles

This program has made us realise that we are not being unrealistic in our expectations of our children. Prior to this, we were at a complete loss in how to get them to understand that we can all have a happier time, if we can get to a better level of understanding and mutual respect.

We are committed to trying to apply the NVR principles and practices, and have seen a couple of small changes already, but are really hopeful that there are bigger and better changes to make happen in the future.

I promise you are not alone!

NVR has given me a set of tools I can use to better manage situations and behaviours that were previously very difficult and often led to spiralling escalations.

I feel more confident in my ability to handle my own response to a situation and guide my children through their own emotions and feelings.

Lots of behaviours you are experiencing or will come across in this course are often hidden away and handled in secret. It feels there is a social stigma around admitting you are struggling with them so you are an island of one. I promise you are not alone! Non- judgemental help and support are out there and an NVR course will give you the tools to ask for the help and support.

We met others going through a horrible experience and could see it wasn’t just us!

We attended the NVR coaching (2024/25), it was an unknown of what to expect, we shared the training online with 6 other families. To start with we wondered what it could do for us, having a physical and verbal abuse child. PartnershipsProjects delivered the training, over a 10 week course, 2 hours per week, the project team were informal, friendly, honest and non judgemental throughout the course.

What did we learn? That we were not alone, it’s not just about the child but the whole family, we as parents were finally considered to be just as important! We did role play, which isn’t something we looked forward to but actually it was really helpful, it helped self-reflection, and was good to practice techniques in a very safe place. Sarah in particularly was very constructive and gave feedback on our style of how we communicated to our children, including body language.

I would recommend this training for a number of reasons:
1) we met others going through a horrible experience and could see it wasn’t just us!
2) we saw the empowerment it gave to other members of our group to say no to a child
3) we set up a WhatsApp group (amongst parents only) where we could talk to one another when having a bad or good day to support each other, a little humour goes a long ways when dealing with our daily lives
4) it showed us techniques about what’s important and when to have a fight or not ( baskets)
5) most importantly, I saw a change in us, and others on the course, it focuses on self care, changing in priorities of what is really important, knowing know when to challenge yourself in what really matters for a happier home!

I must say, it was really important both partners participate as you discuss this off line and it would be hard to do this with only one, and our group showed the benefit of where there was both partners against just the one, as we felt this was a more supportive approach and led to better outcomes.

Being the mum I would like to be

Many thanks again for the course. I have felt much more relaxed in my parenting and feel like I am slowly able to find again that sense of being the mum I would like to be. That is precious to me!