Blog

By Michaela Fried with commentary by Peter Jakob.
My friend and colleague Ahmed died two days ago, torn from the middle of his life, out of the middle of his family in Gaza. With the event of an invitation to deliver a keynote speech in May, by our friends and colleagues in Israel, I had asked him to write a brief bio, no longer that 100 Words, and I asked him whether that was even possible, given his rich and varied life. Ahmed smiled and replied in that modest manner of his that it would not be difficult to do that – there wasn’t that much to say about him anyway.

The families I work with never cease to amaze me – their strength, their determination, their stamina in keeping their child safe. Recently, a mother shared with me some amazing practice in NVR which demonstrated her parental presence and her pledge to continue on her path to resist her son’s aggression and controlling behaviours.

I have found over time that the NVR approach has not only influenced me personally in many ways but has had a profound effect in my own family life. I am particularly taken with the ideas of using supporters, unifying, being ‘disobedient’ to the attempts of others to control you and of reclaiming personal power and agency. Understanding that my co-operation and obedience is required in order for the oppressive practices of others to be legitimised is a powerful realisation.

“It will happen, but it will take time”
John Bowlby

With its philosophical and historic roots in the framework that Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King created for their political struggles, the therapeutic approach of Non Violent Resistance that Haim Omer and his team developed has gained an impressive international following over the past 20 years. One can also see it as reflecting the principles of Martin Buber’s ‘dialogical principle’.

My work brings me into contact with parents who are developing their NVR skills, and sometimes I am privileged to stay with these families for a long period of time, helping them embed non-violence in their world, coaching them in exploring ways to de-escalate and remain peaceful – facing the day-to-day challenges that their young person presents and the emotional toll it takes on the whole family.

The adoptive parents were worried their son could be overwhelmed by shame, if they informed supporters of his violent assaults on his mother, and these people challenged him. Yet, at the same time, the parents felt isolated, cut off, completely alone with the problem. What could I say to them?