NVR – “Sounds good- but not for my high-risk cases”
I came across NVR when an ex-colleague started praising the power of NVR to such an extent that I was doubtful. I was a Safeguarding Social Worker, and I remember thinking, cynically in my head, that NVR sounded wonderful for her but that it would never work with my high-risk cases. How wrong I was!
Shared experience cynicism leads to faith
Every family is different, with challenges that vary enormously, but a common theme is desperation that nothing will work; “maybe it does for others, but not for us”. Exactly how I felt. Sharing my own cynicism and how I have experienced it to be unfounded gives me an opening. In my experience, if a family engages fully with NVR, their lives invariably improve.
“I am scared my son will accidentally kill me”
L, a mental health professional used to extremely challenging situations and not one to catastrophise, had an 11-year-old son, J, diagnosed with ASD. He weighed 16 stone and would regularly smother L and strangle her to the point of unconsciousness, where she feared she would die.
My son’s behaviour is too extreme
J had physically harmed his siblings, and his behaviour was so extreme that he could not live with them, so he lived one week with Mum and then one with Dad. The siblings then alternated between the parents’ homes.
J would punch and kick Mum, had threatened her with a knife and would break furniture and spit. He couldn’t have pets, having previously mistreated them.
Behaviour at school was extremely challenging. Pupils and staff were fearful, and J was educated entirely in isolation.
Connection and communication are the key
L lived for her weeks when J was with Dad, and she had no contact with him. However, L’s “respite” was also J’s “abandonment” and led to more intense flare-ups before and resentment after. L worked on her parental presence and established daily contacts when J was with Dad.
L had tried to stay calm when being strangled, so as not to “excite” J, but never addressed his behaviour when calm. L “didn’t want to rock the boat” – a stance many parents take. This normalised J’s abusive behaviour, but when finally addressed by Mum, it shocked J, forcing him to reflect.
Power in numbers- a problem shared
L was isolated, not sharing her challenges with her husband, colleagues or friends and family. This was out of shame, both personal and professional and when L overcame this and shared, she was showered with love, admiration and support; improving her self-worth and empowering her to implement NVR strategies.
It is easier for a child to respect a parent who has self-respect.
L was experiencing erasure. As she became more empowered, she practised parental resistance and did more things for herself. By prioritising herself, it enabled J to see a person who should be respected, not controlled, manipulated and abused. It also encouraged J to become more independent and, in turn, improved his own self-esteem.
The Snowball effect- momentum builds
With improved self-esteem and confidence for both J and L, came more trust and more respect, enabling them both to do more outside of their comfort zones. Both are now flying high.
From fear of dying to flying high.
This case was closed over 3 years ago and continues to go from strength to strength.
There has been no violence at home, no destructive behaviour and no TVA.
J is more independent- gets up by himself, gets his breakfast and takes his medication.
He uses the phone and travels independently, on buses, to Dad’s and to swimming.
J is fully integrated into class and interacts with his siblings lovingly.
J has a dog to whom he is loving, responsible and respectful.
J shows a good capacity to self-regulate, understands triggers and navigates them.
J shows more self-awareness and communicates well with Mum. He shows remorse, apologises and is very affectionate and generous with Mum.
L still works part-time as an MH professional but is training to become an NVR practitioner.
L has presented her experience to the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Domestic Violence and Abuse.
L and her husband are currently planning on moving into one property with all of the children together.
The power of NVR cannot be denied. We are NVR.
Written by Gordon Ashley-Smith
Social Worker & NVR Association (NVRA) Accredited Practitioner
Accreditation Module Participant, 2025
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