The families I work with never cease to amaze me – their strength, their determination, their stamina in keeping their child safe. Recently, a mother shared with me some amazing practice in NVR which demonstrated her parental presence and her pledge to continue on her path to resist her son’s aggression and controlling behaviours.
I have found over time that the NVR approach has not only influenced me personally in many ways but has had a profound effect in my own family life. I am particularly taken with the ideas of using supporters, unifying, being ‘disobedient’ to the attempts of others to control you and of reclaiming personal power and agency. Understanding that my co-operation and obedience is required in order for the oppressive practices of others to be legitimised is a powerful realisation.
“It will happen, but it will take time”
John Bowlby
With its philosophical and historic roots in the framework that Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King created for their political struggles, the therapeutic approach of Non Violent Resistance that Haim Omer and his team developed has gained an impressive international following over the past 20 years. One can also see it as reflecting the principles of Martin Buber’s ‘dialogical principle’.
My work brings me into contact with parents who are developing their NVR skills, and sometimes I am privileged to stay with these families for a long period of time, helping them embed non-violence in their world, coaching them in exploring ways to de-escalate and remain peaceful – facing the day-to-day challenges that their young person presents and the emotional toll it takes on the whole family.
The adoptive parents were worried their son could be overwhelmed by shame, if they informed supporters of his violent assaults on his mother, and these people challenged him. Yet, at the same time, the parents felt isolated, cut off, completely alone with the problem. What could I say to them?
One of the amazing elements of my work is to personally share the NVR journey the parent / carer undertake whilst I work with them. I am explicitly involved in areas of their world that perhaps no other is permitted, the highs and lows, the tears and joy that each family embrace whilst embedding NVR into their world.
Every family is unique and special with their background history of events that has led them to use NVR as a therapy to support change. I treat each family with the respect they deserve, entrusting them each week to embrace something new which can be considered counterproductive and against their core values and beliefs.
Working with fathers in NVR has been an area of real interest for me. I seem to have had more success in getting fathers through the therapy room using NVR than within my family therapy practice; perhaps it is the language of ‘non-violence’, the doing approach, or perhaps it is just desperation and impotence that falls on fathers when their child is violent and they can do nothing to protect their family.
So what makes the parents shift from despair to hopefulness? Does the answer lie in the practitioner? Is it because home life has become so desperate that all else fails so NVR is the only hope? Is it now or never? Where does the courage to shift come from? Is it the first small sign of change that supports and encourages the parents to begin the slow journey of NVR? Part of the journey is reflection in oneself. How do I become non-violent? What parent do I wish to be? How do I want my relationship with my child to look? All these thoughts are considerations to change and beginning the cycle of change.
After an interesting session with an adopted parent, who has spent 20 months committing to her relationship with NVR and developing presence with her 14 year old son.
“Can you use NVR with autism?” …I was asked during some in-service training abroad “…because when we were first trained in NVR, we were told you cannot, that people on the autistic spectrum don’t have the social capacity.” I’m glad we missed out on that warning in the UK; many families with children on the autistic spectrum have benefitted from the introduction of nonviolence to their family life – families with young people who were showing aggressive, violent behaviour, and/or those families whose children were anxious and socially withdrawn, spending their nights on the internet and refusing school.
