I chose this journey because this was very close to me, working with children in residential care. Throughout this journey with Non-Violent Resistance (NVR), I had to navigate myself into many positions between the young person, family and my colleagues while also being their anchor and their safe space. I felt very central not only to the support of the young person but also her mum, my team and myself.
Mum found it extremely hard to trust others, and this took some time to build a relationship with Mum. This was the same for E. Also, E was not able to trust others at this time. We used our own baskets to focus on relationships and ensuring we stuck to our promises and pledges. Self-harm and suicidal ideation are extremely concerning topics. I think naturally, often parents, unless supported otherwise, have a built-in response to protect and do things by using controlling and punitive measures, which fall in line with desperation and feeling completely helpless.
Mum was extremely anxious and worried about what was such high level of self-harming behaviours and expressions of suicide. With this, Mum’s responses were often reactive and always right at the surface. I would go on to witness symmetrical escalation, adult obedience to child and much more. Mum had to learn to go against the grain in her approaches and responses and this also meant me and my team ( when mum started to build trust in them too ) role modelling how to be able to approach things differently by deferring responses, introducing a calm approach that was proactive but with purpose while maintaining messages of unconditional love, care and pledges. Using baskets with Mum was going to help us all significantly. What can we let go of right now, and what is our primary focus. 
Within my experience throughout this journey, it was difficult to place a system of support for Mum until much later on. Everything was kept a secret. Mum couldn’t tell family or friends as she felt too ashamed. We had to work through this over time, but personally, for me, this took a lot from me in terms of my own time and needs. I started to feel what Mum was feeling, but more so because of how fast-paced Mum’s demands were of me. I knew these demands stemmed from fear, worry, anxiety and an abundance of other difficult feelings.
I was not aware at this time frame of how unhelpful this was and how I had started to accommodate unhelpful behaviours from Mum in terms of the demands of my own time, impacting my own needs and most importantly, my own self-care. How do I and my team support Mum to care about herself, have constructive two-way conversations that don’t consist of punitive or controlling demands of E and or us, but rather focus on how we would proactively plan to respond. What would Mum say to her daughter in times of worry and anxiety, and how could we minimise escalation for both and avoid the need for the young person to use harmful behaviours in a way to seek connection? How would I plan to place my own boundaries with Mum around what is helpful and unhelpful? My team and I had to role-model this, and this took us sometimes saying no, or highlighting what was and wasn’t helpful. My team is ensuring Mum speaks to them, and not just me. Helping me also find time for self-care, and therefore being able to be the best I could be, to support the family.
At times, I forgot about myself and what I needed; I focused a lot on what others needed from me. This particular case involved a lot of self-reflection on my own accommodation to unhelpful behaviours. I had to strike when the iron was cold a few times, not only with E but with Mum too.
A lot of me stepping out of the storm and looking in from the outside, recognising where symmetrical escalation could take place, reinforcing harmful behaviours and unhelpful responses. I also had to be brave and direct in what was and wasn’t helpful while also balancing this with a lot of unconditional care for Mum, E, my team and also myself. We planned many interventions with our young person E, including house occupations, announcements and an abundance of reconciliation and hit and run gestures. Something Mum didn’t get at first, but was a huge part of this and was more able to recognise when to do this as we went on.
Now Mum is able to self-care, giving herself time to prioritise what is important and what can be let go. But most importantly, there is more connection through fun and love and things that are meaningful to them both, rather than connection through worry and Mum being forced to care. With this, there is and has been a huge decline in E using services, causing harm to themselves and other people. There is a lot less panic and worry.
Written by Stacey Armour,
Home Manager NVR Association (NVRA) Accredited Practitioner
Accreditation Module Participant, 2024
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