B
y the time a family arrives at a practitioner’s door to consider an NVR intervention (Non-Violent Resistance), more often than not difficult dynamics have grown over an extended period of time until the breaking point has been reached. Being faced with highly complex circumstances and the desperation of a family, even an experienced practitioner can at times feel overwhelmed. A wise colleague of mine said the following to me when I shared my fear that I may end up joining parents in their helplessness and sense of erasure:
“When you are a mouse that is trying to shift an elephant, it is good to know which way the elephant is heading anyway”
Flexibility
When I have felt overwhelmed and worried that I may not be very helpful when working with a family, I often remind myself of this piece of advice. Here, I want to share how this metaphor helps me use an NVR approach with families in distress. To quote one of the parents I have worked with:
“We have appreciated how NVR has guiding principles and not a list of rules. It has allowed us to feel we have some autonomy over what we take action on, and use our intuition on what we think could make things worse.”
In NVR there are no set rules and there is no definite order in which its principles have to be introduced. This gives freedom to pick and choose those aspects that a family is more open to and that may be the most helpful to them at a particular point in time. Whilst some other interventions request faithful adherence to scripts, NVR encourages flexibility and creativity.
For example, when parents see their child’s aggressive behaviour only as being born out of utter dysregulation and rooted in trauma, it can be difficult for them to shift to a perspective where they recognise that their child still has a degree of control and responsibility for their behaviour. There have been times when I realised I had to accept parental perceptions like these – that “elephant” was not going to move in the direction I wanted to go. Instead, I found it more helpful to focus on those areas where movement felt possible. With these parents, work could still take place on reconciliation gestures and understanding the role that they played in the escalation process for example. Similarly, when parents feel too exhausted and are too fearful to risk small acts of rebellion, they may still be willing to consider their own needs and work on developing a support network.
Thrive Events
I found another way of using the direction the elephant is moving to my advantage is to notice exceptions and help parents recognise “thrive events”. Thrive events are those moments when parents act in a way that is in line with the parent they want to become. Rather than picking apart those incidents when they feel they made mistakes and fell short to consider how to do it differently the next time around, the practitioner notices those moments when a parent got it right – when they connected, resisted, and felt empowered for example – aiming to amplify this moment. This approach can help to move away from feelings of erasure and overwhelming distress to realising that the seeds to a much more hopeful future may have already been sown.
The Domino Effect
Working on increasing parents’ understanding and actions in areas where they are more open-minded and feel able to invest has an interesting domino effect. NVR is based on the understanding that if somebody – or preferably “many bodies” – position themselves and act differently, it is very hard for this not to cause a new reaction further down the line. Once parents experience this first-hand, not only do they realise their agency, strength and resilience, but they are faced with new evidence to consider and how this fits with their existing belief systems. Gradually, the elephant may even change its mind and follow the mouse in a new direction.
Written by Corinna Bruder,
Clinical Psychologist
NVR Association (NVRA) Accredited Practitioner
Accreditation Module Participant, 2024
