The NVR Journal by PartnershipProjects

I still feel as if I am at the start of my journey with incorporating NVR into my everyday life, but I am trying to remember the basics, the grounding, the choosing of my battles and only dealing with the small basket issues. I am lucky that a good friend of mine has also recently gone through the training, so we are able to support each other and as a single parent, it is very useful to have someone else who understands the process. It was also very useful to do this course as part of group. It really helps to know that you are not alone in going through and feeling what we go through as trauma impacted parents. I would say that some in our group seem to have had quicker results than others, but I’m sure that with persistent resistance, life will improve for all of us. As with anything, we are not all going to have the same outcomes at the same time. It certainly feels like there is a little bit more light at the end of the tunnel. I would recommend NVR, and that it is taught at the start of the adoption journey, rather than as an afterthought for those of us whose lives have already been so massively impacted. It is something that, as we were taught, in a group, then we have the support of the other attendees as well as other friends, family and others who can become supporters.

We had become insular from our wider family and friends, embarrassed of letting others know just how challenging we were finding parenting through our sons constant challenging behaviours both within and outside our home. One practice that has helped us is the Announcement letter. This is calmly stating a couple of the significant behaviours that we won’t accept from our sons anymore. Letting our sons know without arguing or getting pulled into conflict that things will change, that we will stay calm, we will not shout but also we will not keep things secret and enrol the help of supporters were appropriate. I am also finding the checklists really useful, it provides a reminder of the NVR tools and has helped me to identify my own areas in which I can improve or were I feel more vulnerable to escalation rather than managing de-escalation. I would absolutely recommend NVR and Sarah and Tom as course facilitators. They are empathic and you feel they come with a lot of experience, both personally and through their work with other parents. NVR isn’t a magic wand but it does provide common sense practical parenting tools that help restore your confidence as an adoptee parent and support you in feeling less alone. It’s helped restore some calm, connection, and hope back into our family. My only wish for other adoptee parents through Kent Social Services is that NVR training in some format be provided to adoptee parents before it gets to a stage of last resort!

My NVR coaching was helpful and supportive, I can already see the impact it is having on my family and my own mindset shift. Before the course, my husband and I often felt overwhelmed, stuck in a cycle of conflict and alone with the constant behavioural challenges from our two teenage adopted sons. It often felt like we were constantly reacting and never taking time to review or address challenging behaviours in the home and our own self-care was almost non-existence, we felt exhausted and very alone! Through the training, I’ve learned how to stay calmer and more present, even in really tough moments, although this is a learning curve! It’s reassured us as parents how to take a firmer, more respectful stance without shouting, bribing or losing control. We now feel more confident setting boundaries whilst still showing we love our boys and are still there for them even when things are difficult. For me personally, one of the biggest changes has been feeling less alone, hearing almost identical patterns of behaviours from other families has added to our understanding and compassion to the difficulties our adopted children carry as they navigate their teenage years. We still have challenges, but NVR has given us some really useful new tools and reaffirmed some of our parenting practices that we had already started to use. Overall it has renewed our energy and hope that through these NVR practices we will pull through and reconnect as a family.

NVR has help to reduce escalations overall. We are working to claw back fun family time. We have learnt when to slow down. We have learnt that the outcome is usually the same when we try to intervene, therefore we get less involved at the time and take time to consider a response. Come open-minded. Try to give yourself time and space to ensure you can put things into practise straight away. The course builds up a number of foundations, gradually bringing results. We would recommend NVR. Most of the things are logical / make sense when you step back and think about them, but the coaching makes you think about things differently in a supportive yet challenging, friendly group.

NVR is not a marathon nor is it a sprint. It is a lifelong change in parenting approach. It provides strategies and tools for the long term. Allowing ourselves to let some things go seemed alien at first, but we have seen a huge benefit. Knowing that engaging support is encouraged has helped us recognise that we are not alone. Do not give up when you have a blip or progress seems slow.  In reflecting on when things have gone “back to type” we have seen where we have gone wrong, forgiven ourselves and re-set. We are still resisting the behaviour from a calm place. We would definitely recommend NVR. It has had a positive effect on the number and type of “conflicts” within the home and elsewhere.  We are more tolerant and calmer and whilst we expect the Honeymoon period (if there is one) to end we think the techniques always serve.

It has helped us to understand how our actions and words affect how our daughter reacts to things. If we step back, think about what she is experiencing, change how we respond to her, and move away from how we think we or she ought to behave, we can manage escalations more effectively. The delayed response technique is very helpful with this. We now appreciate that we need to look after ourselves and allow ourselves time to calm down, reset and recuperate. We should be less hard on ourselves and forgive ourselves if things don’t go well. It is ok to do this. It is acceptable to resist behaviours and give yourself a chance to be the kind of parent you want to be. It is also acceptable to ask others for help and not feel ashamed. We do not have to this on our own and this will help to give our daughter the same message that it is perfectly ok to ask for help when you need it. It has certainly made an impact on our quality of life, as a family and as individuals. Although problems still arise they are fewer and do not escalate in the same way, if at all.  We have found ways to manage conflict; to prepare (anticipate) for it; and recover from it if necessary.  We are learning to work as a team and support each other with NVR techniques to help to manage escalations and reduce physical reactions from our daughter. Our message of resistance and what is not acceptable is slowly getting through. We recognise that it will take time for us to master the techniques we have been taught but understand that baby steps are fine. We will continue to practise the techniques and will proceed with the announcement letter when we feel we are sufficiently consistent to follow our pledges. It is helpful to have this drawn up and know what we are working towards.

I feel that NVR has helped me think about what my child needs in those moments of chaos. I think it has helped me learn to be more present as a parent and to remember how I want to be as a parent. It has made me feel stronger in my ability as a parent. In turn this has helped my son feel calmer and more connected and I am slowly seeing improvement in our relationship. I would recommend keeping an open mind and trusting the process. I would recommend NVR.

I feel that our home has gotten calmer since implementing many of the strategies learned through the coaching. The opportunity to pause and have a considered response to fraught situations has allowed for a more consistent and considered approach to parenting. I would encourage others to be patient with themselves through the process of applying the learnings of this course, it is challenging and although mistakes are made along the way, it is worth sticking to the principles as they really do make a difference for ourselves and our children. I would definitely recommend NVR to all other parents.

Nothing is an overnight fix, and NVR is no different in that, but it really is a different approach and one that we feel will be really helpful for our family. We wish that we had been able to access NVR coaching much earlier, so really encourage anyone who feels lost with their parenting, alone in their struggles, to get on board and try this ‘different’ way of doing things.

This program has made us realise that we are not being unrealistic in our expectations of our children. Prior to this, we were at a complete loss in how to get them to understand that we can all have a happier time, if we can get to a better level of understanding and mutual respect. We are committed to trying to apply the NVR principles and practices, and have seen a couple of small changes already, but are really hopeful that there are bigger and better changes to make happen in the future.

NVR has given me a set of tools I can use to better manage situations and behaviours that were previously very difficult and often led to spiralling escalations. I feel more confident in my ability to handle my own response to a situation and guide my children through their own emotions and feelings. Lots of behaviours you are experiencing or will come across in this course are often hidden away and handled in secret. It feels there is a social stigma around admitting you are struggling with them so you are an island of one. I promise you are not alone! Non- judgemental help and support are out there and an NVR course will give you the tools to ask for the help and support.

We attended the NVR coaching (2024/25), it was an unknown of what to expect, we shared the training online with 6 other families. To start with we wondered what it could do for us, having a physical and verbal abuse child. PartnershipsProjects delivered the training, over a 10 week course, 2 hours per week, the project team were informal, friendly, honest and non judgemental throughout the course. What did we learn? That we were not alone, it’s not just about the child but the whole family, we as parents were finally considered to be just as important! We did role play, which isn’t something we looked forward to but actually it was really helpful, it helped self-reflection, and was good to practice techniques in a very safe place. Sarah in particularly was very constructive and gave feedback on our style of how we communicated to our children, including body language. I would recommend this training for a number of reasons: 1) we met others going through a horrible experience and could see it wasn’t just us! 2) we saw the empowerment it gave to other members of our group to say no to a child 3) we set up a WhatsApp group (amongst parents only) where we could talk to one another when having a bad or good day to support each other, a little humour goes a long ways when dealing with our daily lives 4) it showed us techniques about what’s important and when to have a fight or not ( baskets) 5) most importantly, I saw a change in us, and others on the course, it focuses on self care, changing in priorities of what is really important, knowing know when to challenge yourself in what really matters for a happier home! I must say, it was really important both partners participate as you discuss this off line and it would be hard to do this with only one, and our group showed the benefit of where there was both partners against just the one, as we felt this was a more supportive approach and led to better outcomes.

It has been such a journey for us working with Julie and I do find it incredible how much our lives have changed over that time because of NVR. We were in a very dark and lonely place when we were first introduced to NVR and I could see no way out. We were at a very serious risk of family breakdown and every strategy that other professionals had given us  failed. NVR has really saved our family and I would recommend any family to take on board the strategies of NVR. We both use the strategies everyday and not just with our family either. Things are continuing to improve at home and any difficulties are being dealt with ,by all of us, in a much more calmer and effective manner ( the NVR way)!

Many thanks again for the course. I have felt much more relaxed in my parenting and feel like I am slowly able to find again that sense of being the mum I would like to be. That is precious to me!

Really engaging Trainers. The way they reframed my thinking as a practitioner, steering me away from the conventional child-centred thinking and more toward empowering the parent as a way to encourage/create a behaviour shifts in the child! Absolutely mind-blowing!

Firstly, I just wanted to put in an email what I said today. Saying thank you just doesn’t seem enough. I don’t know if you will ever understand just how much you have helped and changed our family. We really were at crisis point when like Mary Poppins you came to us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening to us, not judging us, giving us a safe place to talk openly, giving us permission to feel the way that we were feeling. The support, guidance and training has been incredible.  We feel very lucky that you were given to us at a time when we needed it the most! THANK YOU!!!!’

To be honest all of it. I like the structure in terms of setting up a routine for breaks and lunch and the interactive style, especially getting to practice aspects such as silence, sit-ins, etc. I like the idea of parental presence and will immediately use that idea myself.

Hearing clinical examples of how the techniques had been applied with parents the facilitators had worked with, including examples where it had been more tricky or difficult, or taken more time for the parent to understand or be ready to apply the ideas. Watching the demonstrations of the facilitators role-playing the techniques. Discussing and practicing the ideas in break out rooms.

The trainers were really knowledgeable and engaging. Had personal and professional experience that was really helpful. Although the role play and break out rooms felt a bit awkward at first the trainers allowed relationships and familiarity to be built between course attendees which reduced the awkwardness over the days.

This is a really good group. It has such an impact on the quality of the learning and I fell very lucky to be with such open, friendly, generous people. Rachael, Jackie and Michele are all brilliant practitioners, not only delivering great content but are demonstrably embodying NVR throughout the day. They facilitate brilliantly and I didn’t want the days to end – which for me is a very positive indicator of the quality of the training. Everyone took part right until the end.

I found that this training was so incredible and stood out as having the capacity to make the learning accessible to all different type of learning styles, giving people the opportunity to read, to practice, to speak, to question, to challenge, to bring it back to their work, to think about how to maintain it in their work… all in a calming and relaxing environment, well done to all the trainers

Hi, this is Caroline from the training. Wanted to feedback that it was fantastic training, I feel inspired to change my own parenting as well as empowering other adoptive parents to develop their own NV presence with their children. Spent last night talking to my husband about what I learnt and how we can develop our parenting. Your training style was very engaging, and you had a lot of patience with the group. I don’t see how anyone couldn’t agree with the NVR approach. Thank you again.  

Hi Racheal, A huge thanks for the last 3 days-really enjoyed the training. Its something that will stay with me. I am now a follower. You were brilliant and should be proud. not only do you have great hair but you are a true NVR professional and a fantastic trainer. Hopefully see you for the final day in May. Chan Singh RISE MUTUAL London

NVR is a highly regarded practice amongst clinicians and parents as per the high number of referrals we receive and the positive feedback from parents. The highest percentage of referrals is for C&YP with a combination of neurodevelopmental, behavioural and attachment conditions who live in multi-stressed environments; definitely this is the therapeutic option when the C&YP do not wish to engage with the service. Positive outcomes include: improvement in the relationship between parents and C&YP, reduction of aggression between siblings, reduction and prevention of escalation, improvement of family relationships, reduction of risk behaviours and violence in the family; more engagement of extended family, parents and teachers as well as parents feeling more hopeful and confident of their own abilities. Clinicians describe how the approach has had the effect of restoring the strengths, resources and abilities not only within families but also within and between clinicians and has mobilised difficult and challenging situations into productive direct actions. Dr Diana Alvis Palma Consultant Family Therapist, Birmingham CAMHS

We approached Peter Jakob as a consultant clinical psychologist to support our residential childcare organisation. At the time we knew nothing about Non Violent Resistance (NVR). The therapeutic approach underpinning our work with young people was and remains Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). Whilst CBT is an excellent model for helping the team to understand young people difficulties and motivations it did little for those young people who were not ready to except help. Working with young people who were entrenched in harmful and often violent patterns of behaviour, who were also rejecting our care, was painful for them and demoralising for the team. This is where NVR really transformed our service. It gave the staff a variety of interventions underpinned by strong principles to resist violence and harmful behaviour. In recruiting the community around the young person to resist harm and reconcile, rather than attempting to control, our relationships are stronger and violence including self violence has decreased. Through our use of NVR supported by PartnershipsProjects supervision and training, we have successfully enabled young people who’s trauma had left them feeling hopeless, worthless and angry to develop real ambition, sustain meaningful relationships and focus on a preferred future. Kerry Shoesmith

Just wanted to drop you a message to let you know how the NVR is going… It’s going exceptionally well! It’s completely changed my life and my children’s lives. I’ve been practising for almost 3 months now, and the changes are very noticeable. Tom (the 10 year old) has come on enormously. He is actually able to be self-reflective about his behaviour when he does lose his temper, and explain how he could have reacted differently (this was previously unheard of – his anger was always justified, and always someone else’s fault). He’s currently in the process of beginning to accept when he has behaved inappropriately and then make decisions about how he could possibly react in the future in a similar situation. He still occasionally kicks off, but it’s gone from daily to once every 3 or 4 weeks. He still annoys the 2 year old and his brother, but he is able to stop doing this when I raise my presence. He has started APOLOGISING when he’s done something like this and always without prompting! Literally never happened before! Dan (the 11 year old) has just started senior school and has now taken over from Tom as being the one who acts out the most and seems hell bent on pushing Tom’s resolve and trying to get him into a physical fight. He does have a lot on his plate dealing with a big change, and clearly feels insecure about his place in the world. His behaviour has made me realise they are always – and have always been – competing with each other to either be the best child or the worst child. I’m spending time with him in the evenings after Tom has gone to bed talking through his feelings and doing kind of ‘mini announcements’ about violence of any form being unacceptable. He is very self-aware and feels more empathy than Tom so this is working at the moment. I also whatsapp him messages of reconciliation throughout the day when he’s at school. Amy (the 2 year old Tasmanian Devil) is now staying in bed at bed time AND sleeping through the night in her own bed. This is beyond a miracle. We negotiated an agreement where I sit in her room by the door for 5 minutes after I say good night, and then come back to check on her every 5 minutes – provided she stays in bed. It’s changed everything and we are now both getting a lot more sleep and are consequently a lot happier. She is also trying really hard not to shout and scream about what she wants but to ask nicely, and think about how shouting upsets other people. But she’s 2 so, you know, this doesn’t always sit well with her, and she still has the occasional meltdown and makes herself sick. As I can’t even remember when the last one of these was, I think it’s safe to say she’s getting there. I read a quotation by Haim Omar where he said Presence and Prevent Escalation are really 2 sides of the same coin. I asked a friend of mine who is a jeweller to make me a silver bracelet with a small disc on it engraved with a P on one side and PE on the other. I wear this every day and rub the disc frantically as if it’s a talisman on days when it’s all going wrong and I want to scream at them all (fortunately these days are now few and far between). Sorry this was longer than I intended, but I just wanted to let you know the difference it has made to our lives. I even got my mother to just sit quietly and raise her presence with them instead. She loved how effective it was! Thank you for the enormous change in myself, which has brought about such a welcome change in my children and our lives. (*names have been changed to protect identity)